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February 14, 2006 • Volume 5 • Issue 2

12 Practical Techniques for Parents
By Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT

In the last eZine we examined 15 guiding principles to aid you in your parenting. I often divide the work with clients into guiding principles and practical techniques. Both are necessary. Techniques alone are not enough as they lack the heart needed to guide them well. Principles alone are not enough as they lack the teeth and specific direction that brings success. In this article we will examine 12 practical techniques for parents.

1. “No problem.” When you’re at a loss and don’t know what consequence to apply say, “No problem. Don’t worry about it. I’ll get back to you later on this.” Trust me. The kid will start to worry about it. If you don’t know what to do, remember there’s always a solution. Take the time to find it—and let others help you find it if you can’t find it yourself.

2. Use one-liners repeated over and over in a broken-record fashion instead of engaging in arguments and power struggles. Here are just a few classic one-liners: “I know, I know.” “Bummer. What are you going to do about that.” “Yes, that’s probably true. Howe ver, the agreement was what?” Repeated over and over and over.

3. Target the behavior you want to change. First, identify what bothers you the most. This will be the behavior targeted for extinction. Second, identify the specific behavior you want to encourage. It is important that you state it positively. For example, instead of Tommy “being rude” I will target him asking “please” and saying “thank you.” Third, identify what method(s) you will consistently apply that you have learned? List step by step if needed. Fourth, identify how you will reinforce this targeted behavior. Fifth, focus on only the targeted change you want to encourage. This is a precise strategy, not a shotgun approach of trying to change several things at once. Leave other annoying behaviors on the back burner for now. Zero in on your target behavior to create the change you are seeking.

4. “No sweat. I can handle this.” Send this message to your child and yourself as the parent: “No sweat. I can handle this. It’s just a minor inconvenience.” This helps you keep your cool and lets the child know he/she can’t push your buttons. This also sends the message to the child that he/she is okay as they are manageable.

5. Limit media influences. There are many ways of doing this. One method: give each child ten (or more or less) quarters. One quarter = (X) hour of TV time or video game playing. At the end of the week the child gets to keep what he/she doesn’t spend. Another idea: Bet your child $200 they can’t go one year without TV. You’d be surprised how well this can work. That’s only $16.50/mo for less fighting over the TV and more brain stimulation—what a deal!

6. Anger antidote. Slow down, take your time to think about consequences (a few minutes to a few days is just fine). Don’t give consequences in anger. Not only will your consequence lose effectiveness when given in anger, you will also lose credibility with your children (and spouse).

7. Snap 1-2-3! Say firmly with a few seconds between each count. With each count also snap your fingers once. When you get to three be very clear that three is out, not their last chance. Make sure that three means three and not four and not seven and not “…8, 9, 10…I really mean it now!”

8. Learn to use time out effectively. Some like timers and time-out chairs. If they work for you, fine. Otherwise, allow them to come out when they are ready to be a part of the family so long as you also have calmed down enough to have them out, too. Don’t worry if they go in their rooms and play. They don’t have to “get it” each time for it to work or to “think about what you did.” That’s expecting kids to use adult thinking. If they are throwing and breaking things you can calmly go in their room with a garbage bag and calmly state, “Oh, bummer. People who break things don’t get things.” Then put them somewhere the child can’t get them for several days. They may have them back only if they are willing to put them away properly. Again, don’t worry if they “get it” and don’t expect it to “work” the first time you do it. Expect them to ramp up their tantrum behaviors. Stay the course. In time they will get it.

9. When kids use up parent’s time. This is the time you have to spend dealing with the consequences of your children’s choices. When this happens the kids then are to pay back the parents time by doing chores the parents would otherwise have to do themselves. Remember, children will only learn to respect you if they see you respecting yourself.

10. So you gave consequences, chores, etc. and they still won’t do it? Wow, what a surprise! Remember, “No problem.” “Just have your chores done by your next meal.” They may choose to wait a meal or two before their hunger makes a more convincing argument than your anger, yelling or lectures ever could.

11. “Catch them being good” chart or calendar. Write at least one thing you caught your child doing good and write that thing on the calendar. This is not only a great reward, encouragement, and a simple way to praise your children it is also a great way to shape and draw out more of the behavior you want to see.

12. Use sadness instead of madness. Consequences need to be delivered and given with sadness instead of madness in your words and tone, such as a simple but sincere, “Oh, bummer…” Lead with empathy instead of anger.

Four additional resources. Want more ideas? The good news is that you are not alone in your parenting. There are tons of ideas, strategies and resources available to you. Here are just a few:

• The above are just a few of the concepts that are being addressed in four Parenting with Love and Logic classes I am conducting this month. Each class has excellent practical information that you can start putting into practice immediately, whether or not you attended the other nights. For example, Wednesday the 15th we will be going over the six traits of strong families and how to use them—this is a fun, upbeat and informative presentation. Call 801.787.7467 or visit bardos.net/Forbes for registration information.
• Tons of free articles, book lists, resources and links: www.bardos.net/resources.
• Free Parenting with Love and Logic articles can be downloaded at www.loveandlogic.com.
• The Great Relationships eZine contains strategies, tips, ideas, events and solutions for creating greatness in your relationships. Get your free subscription at www.bardos.net.

Watch for the next eZine for more strategies for creating greatness in your relationships.

Please forward this email and share this with someone you know. You may save them years of unnecessary frustration and sorrow.

More articles and tips for creating greatness in your relationships can be found at bardos.net/resources

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"By Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT of Bardos Relationship Consulting. © 2005 Bardos Relationship Consulting & Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT, All rights reserved. Please visit Jonathan's web site at http://www.bardos.net for additional articles and resources for creating greatness in relationships."

© 2001-2006 Bardos Relationship Consulting & Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT