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January 26, 2006 • Volume 5 • Issue 1

15 Guiding Principles for Parents
By Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT

I often divide the work with clients into guiding principles and practical techniques. Both are necessary. Techniques alone are not enough as they lack the heart needed to guide them well. Principles alone are not enough as they lack the teeth and specific direction that brings success. In this article we will examine 15 guiding principles for parents and in the next article we will examine 12 practical techniques for parents.

The following are just a few of the concepts that will be addressed at length in four Parenting with Love and Logic classes I will be conducting every Wednesday evening during the month of February. The classes are being sponsored by Forbes Elementary PTA in American Fork (UT) and are open to the community, not just Forbes Elementary parents. The cost is only $10 per person for the full four week course. All proceeds go to benefit the PTA. If you can’t make the first night feel free to come the following week. Registration information is at the end of this article.

1. Use love and logic. The basic Parenting with Love and Logic approach is simply this:

• Take good care of yourself as a parent.
• Give choices you can live with.
• Let consequences do the teaching.
• You respond with love and empathy.

2. Get off the lecture circuit. Don’t argue, lecture, yell or nag. Lecturing is one of the least effective and the most draining of traditional parenting methods.

3. Problem ownership. Who owns the problem? Who is more worried about grades, chores and manners? You or your child? Learn how to make these problems for your child and not for you.

4. Heed ancient wisdom. The following passages from the Bible offer timeless and sage advice to parents regardless of religious background:

• “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
• “Despise not one of these little ones.” Matthew 18:1
• “Provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” Colossians 3:21

5. Focus on hard muscles (actual behaviors) vs. soft muscles (brain, attitudes, etc.).

6. Set consequences up so childre can make a better decisions. Remember that children need to experience consequences to make good choices.

7. Discipline vs. punishment. Discipline says, “I trust you can learn from your consequences.” Punishment says, “You screwed up, I’m mad at you, and you’re going to get it.”

8. United parenting. Get united or get divided. Don’t blame your kids if you get divided—it’s not their job to set your parenting boundaries for you.

9. “Hugs and praise raise good kids.” See this article by Ann Landers at bardos.net/resources.

10. German Shepherd 101. Train your children consistently. We often actually expect (and thus train) better behavior from our dogs than we do our chlidren. Shape the behavior you want. Model the behavior you want. Track the positive behavior you want. Draw out the behavior you want.

11. Do one thing different. Do one skill, approach, technique or mindset consistently and trust the ripple effect. Doing many things poorly or partly usually leads to nothing but frustration being accomplished.

12. Catch them being good more than you catch them being bad.

13. Remember, their brains are working. If your kids are making mistakes and bad choices that usually means their brains are working. This is normal. Thus it’s workable. Remember that we all learn by making mistakes.

14. Pick your battles. Identify what really matters. Focus your parenting energies into those and drop the rest (at least for now).

15. Get rid of energy sapping parental blame and guilt and just deal with what is put in front of you.

Each one of the principles will be explored at length at the parenting classes in February. It’s not to late to sign up. Call 801.787.7467 or visit bardos.net/Forbes for registration information.

Watch for the next eZine where we will examine 12 practical techniques for parents.

Please forward this email and share this with someone you know. You may save them years of unnecessary frustration and sorrow.

More articles and tips for creating greatness in your relationships can be found at bardos.net/resources

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"By Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT of Bardos Relationship Consulting. © 2005 Bardos Relationship Consulting & Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT, All rights reserved. Please visit Jonathan's web site at http://www.bardos.net for additional articles and resources for creating greatness in relationships."

© 2001-2006 Bardos Relationship Consulting & Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT