Step-families are normal but they face many challenges that are unique. Over the next several articles I will present a series called “Stepfamily 911”to address the many concerns stepfamilies express to me. Stepfamilies are the most common family form, however, stepfamilies complain that there are limited resources to help them navigate these often difficult, confusing and even treacherous waters.

The bad news is that many of the expectations and information people have about how stepfamilies should function are way, way off from what really works. The good news is that there is a wealth of accurate information available to stepfamilies that can aid them in creating a strong stepfamily.

By learning skills to deal with these differences step-families increase their chances for success. While this list is by no means comprehensive, here are seven tips, ideas and principles that can help you create a strong stepfamily with confidence.

1. Get and set realistic expectations. Understand how stepfamilies work. Stepfamilies do not function like a natural/original family—don’t expect them to. Fairy tales and the Brady Bunch are not the most realistic models for basing our expectations for stepfamily life.

2. Pace yourself. Gelling as a stepfamily takes time—about three to five years on average. This is good to know since most expect just a year or tow for things to work themselves out. This faulty expectation can set people up for failure and more problems than necessary, complicating the complicated. So breathe deep. Slow down. Take it easy. Don’t try to be a superparent. Don’t come on too strong. Focus on the end goal, don’t get stuck in the current problems.

3. Watch out for affection and time competitions. Remember that the biological parent has had more practice being their kid’s parent than your partner. Be patient with each other. While you strengthen your couple relationship, support their time with each other instead of competing for it and feeling jealous over it.

4. Learn to agree and learn to agree to disagree. If you don’t know how to do this well as a couple or as a family then hire a counselor who can coach you through learning these vital skills.

5. Build couple strengths. Build and strengthen the couple relationship. Schedule regular dates. Stand united in your parenting together. Clarify discipline and parenting styles and approaches, letting the biological parent takes the lead position in parenting the children.

6. Clarify the family rules and roles. Just as companies benefit from clearly defined job descriptions and a unifying policy and procedures manual, stepfamilies need to get clear on the roles of parent, step-parent and children and what each will and will not do and how they each will do it.

7. Educate yourself. Please don’t needlessly re-create every wheel on your own. Learn all you can about step relationships through books, the Internet, counselors, support groups, classes and workshops. For example, in June I will be launching a nationwide stepfamily teleclass workshop series. To learn more and/or to pre-register send an email to StepFamily911@bardos.net.

Watch the next eZine for seven more ways to create a strong stepfamily.

Be sure to visit bardos.net to subscribe to the FREE Great Relationships eZine where you will receive more strategies, articles, resources and events designed to help you create greatness in your relationships.

The stepfamily is the most common family form
Roughly 50% of first marriges end in divorce
60-70% of second marriages end in divorce

Great news! Did you know that much of your frustrations as a stepfamily isn't because your stepchild is manipulative little @#!* or because there's something wrong with you, the stepparent or the biological parent?

The good news is that most of what doesn't work in stepfamilies isn't the people, but the faulty interactions we develop based on a LOT of inaccurate informtion, well-intentioned but misguided assumptions, and bad skill sets. We know we can't change people, but we can change how we interact with them—and if that's most of it then "Woo-hoo!" we are now ready to experience a whole different type of stepfamily—a strong stepfamily.

This teleclass is about changing the whole way we look at stepfamilies. It's about building upon strengths. It's encouraging, upbeat, informative and fun.

Come and learn effective ways of making the stepfamily you're in the one the one you've always known it could be!

See what others are saying

In Four Hours over Four Weeks You'll Learn:

How to stop working from assumption and instead work from clarification
Learn the Six Traits of Strong StepFamilies
Learn 14 Tips from Trenches from those who've already been there--what to do and what NOT to do.
Learn why it is essential for stepfamilies to have the right knowledge, the right skills, and the right practice.
Benefit from the 3P's: preparing before classes, practicing between classes, and processing during classes.
Learn strategies for balancing validation and discipline.
Learn the importance of managing
problems in the midst of flooding with relationship building.
Learn ways to get and stay united as a couple so the kids can't divide you.
How understanding the differences between first marriage and stepfamily life cylces can make all the difference in how you pace yourself.

Take the class from anywhere in the United States
Take the class while at home, at work or on vacation.
Even take the class while in your jammies.

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Relationship Consultant
Founder of Bardos Relationship Consulting
Founder of The Relationship Wellness Series
Sought after speaker for his fun, upbeat, encouraging and informative presentations
He is experienced in assisting people learn to improve their marriages, their parenting and themselves through skill development, life coaching, overcoming depression and anxiety, stress and anger management, and addiction recovery. He teaches extensively on a wide range of relationship topics.

Schedule a Speaker!
If your organization is looking for a fun, upbeat and informative way to encourage, inform and inspire your people allow me or one of my colleagues to be of service. Contact me at 801.787.8014 or jonathan@bardos.net to discuss customizing a presentation to fulfill your needs. Note: Speaking services are offered as a pro-bono service to church and community groups.

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