This is the second in a series of “Stepfamily 911” articles I will be writing to address some of the most common stepfamily pitfalls (If you missed the first seven tips you may view them here). Once known and understand stepfamilies can more effectively, and more successfully, navigate the unique challenges of stepfamily life to create a great stepfamily. Here are seven more ideas, mindsets, and strategies to add to your stepfamily blending toolkit.

8. There are no ex-parents. Learn to differentiate between ex-spouses and parents. Stop referring to the other parent as the “ex” and instead refer to them as “Tommy’s Mom” or “the children’s father.” This respect to the children’s parents will be much appreciated by the children who love both of their parents.

9. Encourage and facilitate co-parenting. It is easy to spend time and energy commiserating about the flaws and failings of the other parent and stepparent. However, this does little to help the children cope nor does it aid the family in blending more cohesively. Instead, learn co-parenting philosophies, mindsets, and skills to start repairing the gaps between the two households. If you don’t want to do this for your “ex” then do it for your children—it is them who are affected the most by the existence, or lack of, this co-parenting approach.

10. Respect the titles of mom and dad. This is a simple and common issue among stepfamilies that often becomes needlessly complicated. As much as you may want to be called mom and dad you must remember that the stepparent is the stepparent. If, at some point, the child wants to call you mom or dad let them decide on their own. Do not force the issue. Don’t ask them to. Don’t put them in position of conflicted loyalties in a transitional period that is already difficult enough for children.

For example, when our stepfamily was just first blending, we called my stepfather by his first name and he and my mother made it clear that it was up to us how we wanted to refer to him depending upon our comfort level. He never tried to take that place of “father” though eventually he earned my love and respect and along with that the title of father as well.

In contrast, my first step-mother and my biological father tried to get me to call her “mom” from the beginning of their marriage, which even at the young age of six didn’t fly with me. This, naturally, perpetuated even further resistance to her being in my life, as it does for many children.

11. Don’t take your stepchildren’s behavior personally. Regardless of how great a person you are your very presence represents the final nail I the coffin of every child’s reunification fantasy: that their mom and dad will get back together. Many children resent your role or at least have conflicting feelings about it. Validate their frustrations. Don’t try to change their feelings or thoughts. That’s their domain and let them keep control of any area the can in this stage of their lives where so much is out of their control.

12. Beware of under- and over-disciplining. Watch for these two pitfalls: 1. Under-disciplining your own children and 2. Over-disciplining your stepchildren. Kids need predictable and consistent discipline/rules that are clear. Establishing them early allows you to spend less time disciplining and more time relationship building.

13. Learn the dynamics of divorce and stepfamily transitions. It’s hard enough with accurate information and good skills. Unrealistic expectations and faulty assumptions about how things “should” be tend to only create a cycle of resentment and rejection.

14. Work on relationship building during time together as a stepfamily. Clear rules, expectation, roles, etc. reduce unnecessary arguing and power struggles and hurt feelings while allowing for increased time to build family cohesiveness/bonding/intimacy.

Watch the next eZine for "Seven Resources for Quelling the Chaos" to assist you or a loved one in creating a strong stepfamily.

Be sure to visit bardos.net to subscribe to the FREE Great Relationships eZine where you will receive more strategies, articles, resources and events designed to help you create greatness in your relationships.

Exciting new format: Take this class from anywhere you have access to a phone and email!

The stepfamily is the most common family form
Roughly 50% of first marriges end in divorce
60-70% of second marriages end in divorce

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Great news! Did you know that much of your frustrations as a stepfamily isn't because your stepchild "manipulative" or because there's something wrong with you, the stepparent or the biological parent?

The good news is that most of what doesn't work in stepfamilies isn't the people, but the faulty interactions we develop based on a LOT of inaccurate informtion, well-intentioned but misguided assumptions, and bad skill sets. We know we can't change people, but we can change how we interact with them—and if that's most of it then "Woo-hoo!" we are now ready to experience a whole different type of stepfamily—a strong stepfamily.

This teleclass is about changing the whole way we look at stepfamilies. It's about building upon strengths. It's encouraging, upbeat, informative and fun.

Come and learn effective ways of making the stepfamily you're in the one the one you've always known it could be!

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In Four Hours over Four Weeks You'll Learn:

How to stop working from assumption and instead work from clarification
Learn the Six Traits of Strong StepFamilies
Learn 14 Tips from Trenches from those who've already been there--what to do and what NOT to do.
Learn why it is essential for stepfamilies to have the right knowledge, the right skills, and the right practice.
Benefit from the 3P's: preparing before classes, practicing between classes, and processing during classes.
Learn strategies for balancing validation and discipline.
Learn the importance of managing
problems in the midst of flooding with relationship building.
Learn ways to get and stay united as a couple so the kids can't divide you.
How understanding the differences between first marriage and stepfamily life cylces can make all the difference in how you pace yourself.

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Take the class while at home, at work or on vacation.
Even take the class while in your jammies.

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Relationship Consultant
Founder of Bardos Relationship Consulting
Founder of The Relationship Wellness Series
Sought after speaker for his fun, upbeat, encouraging and informative presentations
He is experienced in assisting people learn to improve their marriages, their parenting and themselves through skill development, life coaching, overcoming depression and anxiety, stress and anger management, and addiction recovery. He teaches extensively on a wide range of relationship topics.

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If your organization is looking for a fun, upbeat and informative way to encourage, inform and inspire your people allow me or one of my colleagues to be of service. Contact me at 801.787.8014 or jonathan@bardos.net to discuss customizing a presentation to fulfill your needs. Note: Speaking services are offered as a pro-bono service to church and community groups.

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