Parenting: Get United or Get Divided!

Raising children ranks the top of the list with sex and money as source for marital conflict. In a nationwide survey conducted by Stanley and Markman, children’s issues ranked second (behind money) as the thing that couples argue about the most. In second marriages, the subject is even touchier, with kids (32 percent) beating finances (23 percent) as the number-one cause of marital conflict. Kids are masters at pitting one parent against the other. Here are some tips on how to work together presenting a united front in your parenting.

“Divide and Conquer”
6-year-old Tommy wants a Popsicle and mom says, “No,” Tommy has a problem. To solve this problem he asks Dad. If Dad says, “Yes” his problem is solved and he has learned a skill he can use again when a similar dilemma arises.

Not that big of a deal, right?

Fast-forward ten years. 16-year-old Tommy now wants to borrow the car to go to the movies with his friends who you suspect are a bad influence on him. Dad said “No,” but Mom said, “Yes.” Mom and Dad then go the rounds because Dad thinks it is a big deal and Mom thinks he is, once again, overreacting. While Mom and Dad are fighting Tommy grabs the keys and quietly slips out the door.

That your child plays “divide and conquer” is not a sign that you have a bad kid. In fact, that your child has learned to play one parent off the other means you have a kid worth keeping. Thank goodness that your child’s brain is functioning normally! Children’s brains are wired for learning and problem solving. Tommy, like most kids, has learned that there are some payoffs they get for “splitting” their parents: 1. It helps them get what they want, 2. They can gain power in a situation they otherwise wouldn’t be able to control, and 3. Once Mom and Dad are fighting it gets the focus off of themselves. Whatever the payoff, the result is the same: parents feel frustrated, angry and ineffective. The task for parents is to help them use their brains appropriately.

“Unite and Conquer”
The solution, then, is not to trade your kid in for a more obedient and compliant model. The solution is to get united. My sister tells the story of when one of her friends was playing at our house as kids. The friend asked my sister if they could go do something or other. They went to ask my mother who refused their request. My sister’s friend said, “I know, let’s go ask your dad.” My sister, in her most dejected and frustrated tones replied, “We can’t. They’re united!” My sister had learned in her home what her friend had not learned from her parents: you can’t get around united parents.

“Present a United Front.”
The child must learn that splitting his parents against each other will never get him what he wants. It is really quite simple. You and your spouse must agree that any attempt to get the other parent’s say-so after being told no by the first parent will simply, and every time, result in your child not getting what she asked for. This requires a firm resolve as sometimes you will have to stand united when otherwise one of you may have acquiesced. When children know their parents can set limits and keep them they feel secure, even if on the surface they are upset. A national survey of graduating high school seniors found that more than 90 percent wished their parents loved them enough to have disciplined them more. Also, a united front increases the effectiveness of all the other parenting approaches and techniques you use.

A united front should include both parents; divorced parents, especially, should learn valuable co-parenting techniques. Together and single parents can involve select relatives and friends, a counselor, clergy and/or a support group as part of their united front.

“Planning Makes Perfect.”
Decide ahead of time how the both of you will handle difficult situations with your children. Anticipate problems and play “stop-gap.” This is where you look for ways your kids can get around you discipline and how you will “stop-up” those gaps.

“Refuse Undermining.”
Make a choice as parents to not undermine each other in front of you children. To say something like, “I sided with you, but Mom won” makes both of you look foolish in your child’s eyes.

“Close the Door, Please.”
While it is okay for children to witness their parents have and solve their differences so they can learn to do the same, it is not okay for children to witness their parents argue about them. The reason for this is simple. If they see the conflict between you about them, they gain tactical data on where best to strike in their next effort to split you. When it comes to the kids, discuss the issue behind closed doors, figure it out, and come out presenting a united front.

“Does Your Management Team Know Its Policies and Procedures Manual?”
Every company has one set of rules, their “policies and procedures,” that every employee is expected to follow. When everyone is on the same page the company is able to run smoother and there’s less conflict about what or how things should be done because expectations are clear. Churches and sports teams do the same. When there is a conflict everyone can defer, and refer, to the same rules versus getting stuck in arguments that go nowhere. Most organized groups do this. Families rarely do. Parents are the management team of the family. Decide on your discipline rules as a team and abide by them consistently. If you cannot come to a compromise that works, do what companies do when they get stuck: hire a consultant. Seek help from a neutral third party whether that be clergy or counselor. Keep friends and family out of it.

“Learn and Do What Works.”
In my profession, I have the opportunity to keep up on the latest research and read many books and articles on the best parenting practices. There are many excellent approaches and techniques that work really well. What I consider the gold standard of parenting approaches is “Parenting with Love and Logic,” by Jim Fay and Foster Cline, MD. Whatever approach or book you choose to use, do choose one and stick to it.

“Payoffs for Everyone!”
By uniting as parents everyone wins. Kids learn boundaries, respect for themselves and others, that the way to get what one wants is by working within the rules, they feel secure and they learn a great model to take into their own future parenting (a.k.a. The “Monkey See, Monkey Do” Principle). Parents gain seeing their children learn and experience the above. They also they improve their marriage and increase their confidence in parenting. Sounds like a good deal to me. Believe it or not, it is more doable than you may think.

More articles and tips for creating greatness in your relationships can be found at bardos.net/resources

FREE "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" Workshops

Event: Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
Date: Saturday, September 20th, 2003
Time: 7-8:30 PM
Place: American Fork Library Community Room
64 South 100 East, American Fork, UT
Cost: FREE! Part of The Relationship Wellness Series: free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community.
Details: Parenting teens can seem about as easy as nailing Jell-O to the wall! But believe it or not there are some approaches that work better than others — better for both the teen and for the parents! So come and learn some practical approaches to add to your parenting toolkit. For more info on Love and Logic contact us or check out The Love and Logic Institute.
Note: Parents of younger children are also welcome. Preparation is a great strategy! Learn what you can as soon as you can. See Calendar of Events for details.

Part of The Relationship Wellness Series: free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community

I have had many requests to begin a parenting course. I am currently working on a Parenting Skills Intensive Course (see bardos.net/parenting for more details.). However, I always prefer to customize all of my work to the needs of participants. Thus, I am requesting feedback to determine what most people's preferences are in regards to:

Topics?
What topics would be of most interest to you? For example:

• How to make parenting a fun and upbeat experience
• Learn how and why to get off the “Lecture Circuit” with your kids.
• Reduce arguing and yelling as you learn why anger is the “quick fix” solution that simply doesn’t work
• Feel more positive and effective in your parenting
• Spend more time enjoying your kids and less time on guilty, angry or frustrated parenting.
• Learn the significance of, and how to use, “Relationships first, tasks second.”
• Increased ability to create a more “united front” with your spouse.
• Encourage responsibility and initiative
• Increase bonding and attachment
• Enhance self-esteem
• Develop better decision making skills
• Improved ability to cooperate via more team attitudes

Other ideas or topics?

Time?
For example, Wednesdays from 6-8 p.m. Other times?

Length?
Either a 4-6 week class for learning skills quickly but without ongoing reinforcement or much longer (3-6 months) more intensive course with lots of practice and reinforcement of skills being learned.

Setting?
Either a physical classroom setting (less convenient but with face to face contact w/ leader and participants) or a Teleclass (group conference call setting with materials shared via email and an internet site — thus convenience of calling from own home or workplace, no travel, but less face to face interaction). Both have their pros and cons.

Cost?
What would you be willing to invest in a 4-6 week class? How much would you be willing to invest in a 3-6 month course?

Please contact me at jonathan@bardos.net or call me at 801.787.8014 with any and all input, ideas and suggestions. Thank you very much.

About this eZine

Q: Why am I receiving this eZine?
A: Most of you are receiving this because you have been receiving the Bardos Moment print newsletter or have expressed interest in Bardos' or The MFT InfoLink's services in the past. We will be phasing out the print newsletter to conserve paper and postage costs. If you know anyone who is receiving it, please encourage them to email us with their name and email address so we can take them off our print mailing list and add them to our emailing list. Send to GreatRelationships@bardos.net. Thank you.

Q: Tell me more about this eZine.
A: Most of you who are already somewhat familiar with Bardos Relationship Consulting (and the MFT InfoLink before that) know my commitment to getting good, practical and encouraging information to people who can use it right now in their daily lives. The Great Relationships eZine will further this commitment by containing:

• Informative articles and
• Quick tips on how to improve self, marriage and parenting
• Inspiring quotes
• Calendar of Events (many free events geared to enhance relationships)
• Free book drawings and other offers
• Reviews of best practice sites, programs and books.

The eZine will be published about once a month.

Q: So what's the catch? What do you get out of it?
A: My marketing strategy is very simple and respectful. I trust that by providing valuable, practical and upbeat information as a free service that the good will and good word of mouth that it generates is sufficient for my marketing needs. This trust has been well founded. I have built my private practice through the good will and good word of mouth that have come from The Relationship Wellness Series (RWS) which many of you are familiar with. (The RWS is a series of free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community.) Thus I will not fill this eZine with ads, product plugs, gimmicks, etc. While announcements of a new product may come occasionally they will never be the main focus of this eZine.

The primary goal of The Relationship Wellness Series will be the same for this eZine: To share great information with those who can use it in their daily lives to create great relationships. The secondary goal is to generate "good will" marketing by being of service to my community and being straight up and respectful about every pro-bono and fee-based service I offer.

Q: And my privacy?
A: Of course your email will only be used by me and will never be sold or given out to others. Never, never, never.

Subscription Information
To Subscribe: If this was passed on to you from a friend or family member and you would like to continue to receive it simply email GreatRelationships@bardos.net with "subscribe" in the subject line. All subscriptions will receive the Great Relationships Packet and be entered in our monthly marriage or parenting book drawing. Thank you.

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Quick Tip: Diaper Therapy

One dad* I was working with was struggling to improve his relationship with his wife and children. He loved his family but had difficulty expressing appreciation to his wife and had little patience for his children. During the course of our discussion it came up that as part of his involvement with his children he rarely, if ever, changed their diapers. I shared with him that I once saw a bumper sticker that proclaimed, "Fathers change the world one diaper at a time." I told him that I had that bumper sticker a lot of thought for the message it implied. I flippantly suggested to him that if he was willing I had a “radical new therapy” for him to try. Thus was born the tongue-in-cheek name of “Diaper Therapy.” While the name is silly the relationship work is profound.

The task was simple. From that day out he was to change every single diaper while he was at home. Further, he was to do it without informing anyone of what he was doing. He was just to simply implement it as prescribed and report back.

This dad returned to my office a few weeks later and reported that he had been on “Diaper Patrol.” While it had been hard he stated it had been good. We explored what had happened and what he had learned from the experience. He did it as prescribed without her knowing he was doing it on purpose and just started doing it. He started to notice subtle, yet profound changes in how he was approaching this diaper-changing task. At first his wife was surprised by this change and after a several times she began expressing appreciation for it. He stated, “I’ve changed more diapers in two weeks than in our whole marriage.” He began seeing changing his children’s diaper as an act of service instead of simply a mere chore. This was something he could do for them as well as for his wife. He noticed that it pulled him out of what he was doing and got him more involved into the natural flow of the family. He stated that such a simple thing as changing diapers has helped put a perspective on his priorities. We discussed how “task mentality” is on a timeline. This is fine and good for work-related tasks. Changing diapers (and child-rearing in general) is not on a clear time-line. Instead it ebbs and flows with many distractions. He explained, “I used to see it more as an inconvenience. Now I’m feeling more involved with my kids and I’m acting differently.” He had been finding that through changing diapers he was also being more mindful and consistent in his relationship with his wife. He further noticed that his baby was becoming more responsive to him than to his wife when he was there. This really, and pleasantly, surprised him. Interestingly enough, he also noticed that as he focused on this task he began focusing less on the original problems that brought him to therapy. Not that they were less important, but that he was putting his time into relationship building. He decided that he would be on Diaper Patrol permanently.

So what happened? Did this really have anything to do with diapers? Only partly. The diapers were only the task. What was really happening was relationship building using the principles of sacrifice, service, commitment and patience to communicate appreciation and connection. Both children and wife responded. I was not surprised. The principle we learn from a Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe is: Follow the formula and get the results. The same works in relationships. The relationship principle he followed here applies to any task. The principle is, as Dr Kathleen Bahr first taught me, “The purpose of the task is not the task. The purpose of the task is to strengthen the relationship.” Thus any task, such as doing the dishes, going to work, paying the bills, etc. can transcend their mundane status into the realm of the sacred: relationship building. This is the secret that no one tells us. Relationships are not built on fancy romantic dates. Sacred relationship work is carried out in the midst of the mundane.

Another principle that was brought to bear is that of service. Service that is simple, uncomplicated, given without thought of recognition, and that is done in secret. It has been said that we love whom we serve. This man found this to be true via stinky diapers.

Another principle he discovered was that he could address his individual problems through relationship work. He found that by working on his primary relationships he was crowding out the negative. This is different from ignoring the problem. This is about giving energy to what we want in our lives and weeding out what we no longer want.

While this was by no means the main thrust of our therapy together, it did contain many of the key elements of successful relationship work and illustrated well the power of what these principles can do for people. He learned the importance of “being there,” being present-focused with his children by allowing himself to be interrupted, being open to shifting gears from one task to another, of using family life as the greatest medium for learning patience, tolerance and for expanding ourselves beyond what we currently are.

Personally, I have been on Diaper Patrol for over nine years now and have found the same to be true for me. I have no love for diapers themselves. But the subtle connections I, like my client, have developed with my wife and children over such a small and simple task I would not trade for something more glamorous. When I’m home, it’s my job. I’m their dad.

Tried it? Let me know how it worked at jonathan@bardos.net. You can find more articles and tips at bardos.net/resources

*Note: Any identifying details have been modified to protect confidentiality. Story used with client’s permission.

It's Worth a Thought...

"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant — and let the air out of the tires."
—DOROTHY PARKER

"The wildest colts make the best horses."
—PLUTARCH

"My mother loved children-she would have given anything if I had been one."
—GROUCHO MARX

"The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent."
—ERICH FROMM

"The best thing a child can have is two parents who really love each other."
—RILDIA BEE CLIBURN

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
—FRANKLIN P. JONES

"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next."
—FRANKLIN P. JONES

"To often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve."
—ROGER LEWIN

"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it."
—HAROLD S. HULBERT

"In bringing up children, spend on them half as much money and twice as much time."
—HAROLD S. HULBERT

"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories."
—JOHN WILMOT, EARL OF ROCHESTER

Event: Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
Date: Saturday, September 20th, 2003
Time: 7-8:30 PM
Place: American Fork Library Community Room
64 South 100 East, American Fork, UT
Cost: FREE! Part of The Relationship Wellness Series: free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community.
Details: Parenting teens can seem about as easy as nailing Jell-O to the wall! But believe it or not there are some approaches that work better than others — better for both the teen and for the parents! So come and learn some practical approaches to add to your parenting toolkit. For more info on Love and Logic contact us or check out The Love and Logic Institute.
Note: Parents of younger children are also welcome. Preparation is a great strategy! Learn what you can as soon as you can.

Event: Developing a Clear and Compelling Couple and Family Mission
Details: Upcoming in October. This will be a fun and very interactive half-day workshop. We will have the good fortune of having this workshop facilitated by my colleague Wade Milne, LCSW of LodeStar Consulting

Event: Parenting Skills Intensive
Details: Your input is requested! See more details below and on bardos.net/parenting

Free Great Relationships Packet Offer

The Great Relationships Packet includes:

• "The 15-Minute Marriage Make-Over" Worksheet Exercise
• 7 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last"
• "9 Rules for Fair Fighting"
• "12 Steps to Better Marital Communications"
• "Daily Romance: Keeping the Love Alive"
• "Wisdom From the Ages: The Power and Beauty of Committed Love"
• & Some other stuff...

To receive your FREE Great Relationships Packet simply email GreatRelationships@bardos.net and state you would like to receive it. What could be easier than that? Well...? Huh...?

Who's Behind Bardos?

Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Consultant specializing in creating "greatness in relationships." He is experienced in assisting people learn to improve their marriages, their parenting and themselves through skill development, life coaching, overcoming depression and anxiety, stress and anger management, and addiction recovery. He teaches extensively on a wide range of relationship topics. He is the founder of Bardos Relationship Consulting. You may reach him at 801.787.8014, jonathan@bardos.net or at www.bardos.net.