Making a Good Marriage Great: Improving Communication
Everything worth keeping is worth taking good care of. Whether you are in the building, repairing or maintenance stage of your marriage here are some communication tips that help make a bad thing good and a good thing great.
 Even more important than learning specific communication skills we must first learn key communication mindsets. The most important one is that understanding is the goal of communication, not winning the argument. Remember, if one person wins the relationship loses.
Be open and willing to increase effective communication and learn problem-solving skills by reading books, attending workshops or participating in couples counseling.
Learn behaviors and mindsets that focus on building and encouraging strengths vs. criticizing and finding fault.
Set aside 10 minutes that are distraction free two to three times each week during which you and your spouse can communicate about conflict issues. While this can “stir things up” the purpose is that it keeps things from “stewing” and getting out of control. It also increases awareness so you and your partner are not “blind-sided” by unseen problems. If it is currently too tense to do this alone as a couple it can be helpful to practice with a therapist during a training session and then practice at home. It can also be helpful to explore thoughts and feelings about how the home sessions went with each other.
Attend a skills-based marital or relationships seminar or workshop such as those in The Relationship Wellness Series, adult/community education programs, and others and then continue to practice the skills obtained there at home. Doing this places both of you “on the same page” by creating a common shared context within which to communicate and resolve conflicts.
Work on clarifying (vs. assuming) communication and the expression of feelings. As Wayne Dyer said, “The whole problem with communication is the illusion that it is being achieved.” Since it is hard not to assume, I heartily recommend assuming the best. Since most of what we assume is wrong anyway, we might as well assume the best and err on the side of mercy and compassion than on the side of making fools for ourselves.
If it is hard to communicate without getting into a fight then talk daily with your partner about pre-chosen, non-emotional non-conflictual topics. This helps us get into the practice and habit of feeling safe while we communicate as well as getting more comfortable with regular healthy styles of communication. After you are both comfortable with the easier topics you can move on to the tougher issues. The mistake too many couples get into is trying to deal with too many big issues all at once. Instead, work on one thing at a time. While this takes longer, I'm a big fan of taking a lot of time to resolve one thing well. This is much more effective than cramming a lot of issues into a short time only to find out that nothing got solved at all or at best was solved poorly. The former requires the commitment and patience to practice new skills. The latter only requires impatience and anger.
Get trained in assertiveness skills through consultation, books, a group or a class. It is important that we know how to respect the other while respecting ourselves at the same time. This is what assertiveness training is all about.
Remember the key concept that great relationships require each partner being willing at some times to sacrifice his or her own needs and desires to choose to meet the needs and desires of the other. “Sacrifice” comes from the word “sacred.” It implies giving up something good for something better. For it to work well it must be done with this mindset clearly and firmly in place.
More articles and tips can be found at bardos.net/resources |
Free Pre-Marital Workshop
 Prepare for your marriage, not just your wedding! "Happily Ever After" is great, but what about the 10-year follow-up study? How do we make a great thing last, especially in the face of daunting divorce statistics? Come and learn effective ways of making the marriage you're going into the one you dream it will be. See Calendar of Events for details.
Part of The Relationship Wellness Series: free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community |
Pass It On!
If you enjoy the Bardos "Great Relationships" eZine and know a friend, colleague or family member who may benefit from or enjoy receiving it, please forward it along to them! |
About this eZine
Why am I receiving this eZine? Most of you are receiving this because you have been receiving the Bardos Moment print newsletter or have expressed interest in Bardos' or The MFT InfoLink's services in the past. We will be phasing out the print newsletter to conserve paper and postage costs. If you know anyone who is receiving it, please encourage them to email us with their name and email address so we can take them off our print mailing list and add them to our emailing list. Send to GreatRelationships@bardos.net. Thank you.
Is this spam? No it is not. I'm sending you this introductory edition of the Great Relationships eZine to see if it is of interest to you since you have contacted me in the past regarding Bardos or The MFT InfoLink. I do not like spam or junk mail myself and if for any reason you believe this is such I will gladly respect your desire to unsubscribe at any time for any reason. Please see below for simple instructions on how to unsubscribe.
So tell me more about this eZine. Most of you who are already somewhat familiar with Bardos Relationship Consulting (and the MFT InfoLink before that) know my commitment to getting good, practical and encouraging information to people who can use it right now in their daily lives. The Great Relationships eZine will further this commitment by containing:
• Informative articles and
• Quick tips on how to improve self, marriage and parenting
• Inspiring quotes
• Calendar of Events (many free events geared to enhance relationships)
• Free book drawings and other offers
• Reviews of best practice sites, programs and books.
The eZine will be published about once a month.
So what's the catch? What do you get out of it? My marketing strategy is very simple and respectful. I trust that by providing valuable, practical and upbeat information as a free service that the good will and good word of mouth that it generates is sufficient for my marketing needs. This trust has been well founded. I have built my private practice through the good will and good word of mouth that have come from The Relationship Wellness Series (RWS) which many of you are familiar with. (The RWS is a series of free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community.) Thus I will not fill this eZine with ads, product plugs, gimmicks, etc. While announcments of a new product may come occasionally they will never be the main focus of this eZine.
The primary goal of The Relationship Wellness Series will be the same for this eZine: To share great information with those who can use it in their daily lives to create great relationships. The secondary goal is to generate "good will" marketing by being of service to my community and being straight up and respectful about every pro-bono and fee-based service I offer.
And my privacy? Of course your email will only be used by me and will never be sold or given out to others. Never, never, never.
Subscription Information
To Subscribe: If this was passed on to you from a friend or family member and you would like to continue to receive it simply email GreatRelationships@bardos.net with "subscribe" in the subject line. All subscriptions will receive the Great Relationships Packet and be entered in our monthly marriage or parenting book drawing. Thank you.
To Unsubscribe: If you would like to unsubscribe from this eZine, simply email GreatRelationships@bardos.net with "unsubscribe" written in the subject line. Thank you and I apologize for any inconvenience. |
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Quick Tip: Whining Doesn't Work
Okay, actually it works great — ask any kid. Parents are often frustrated because their kid whines a lot. So why do they whine so much? Kids whine because they have learned that it simply works. Kids brains are geared for problem solving. For example, when a parent says "no" to something a child wants this creates a barrier between the child and what he or she wants. The brain reads this as a problem. Children revert back to what has worked since infancy: cry to get your needs met — the solution. Crying to get what was wanted was okay and necessary as an infant, but super-annoying as a kid. Be that as it may, kids still use it because they learn that it still works. The brain just reminds them, "Hey, whine loud and long enough and sooner or later mom or dad will give in out of sheer exhaustion."
So, any takers for learning how to send the message loud and clear that "Whining doesn't work!"? Yeah, I thought there would be a few. Here's the drill: From here on out anytime your child begins to whine you must calmly and simply say, "Oh, sorry, whining doesn't work here anymore. If you want something you'll have to calm down and ask nicely." Then disengage from them and do something else (they may need some time in their room away from you).
Now, of course, if your kid's brain is working normally they're not going to buy this for a second! They're going to think, "Yeah, right. We'll just see about that..." This is not a problem so long as you stand firm and just keep repeating, "Sorry, whining doesn't work" over and over and over like a broken record. Do not yell or scream for them to stop, just over and over and over tell them "Whining doesn't work. Hmmm. Sorry, whining doesn't work here." 10-20 repititions of this broken record apporach will drive them crazy. Their brains are now faced with a problem it's never faced before — "Oh my gosh! Whining isn't working! What are we going to do?!" So do not cave-in, no matter how hard they try to wear you down with whining — it's just their brain stepping up an old solution that will no longer work. When they learn that no matter how much or how loud they whine that they get nothing they will in time learn that the only way to get anything is by calming down and asking nicely — because that's the only option you are giving them.
Get united on this one parents and together you can take back some sanity when you start seeing this united effort yield more quiet results.
Tried it? Let me know how it worked at jonathan@bardos.net |
It's Worth a Thought...
Thought-provoking thoughts on self and relationships.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years."
—Simone Signoret
"I do not know who my grandfather was; I am more concerned to know what his grandson will be."
—Abraham Lincoln
"The survival of our society may rest on the degree to which we are able to teach men to cherish life."
—Cooper Thompson
"The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak becomes a stepping stone in the pathway of the strong."
—Thomas Carlyle
"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."
—Emily Post
"It is perhaps a more fortunate destiny to have a taste for collecting shells than to be born a millionaire."
—Robert Louis Stevenson
"The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose."
—Garrison Keillor
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Calendar of Events
This Month:
Event: Pre-Marital Workshop: Prepare for Your Marriage, Not Just Your Wedding
Date: Saturday, June 28th, 2003
Time: 7-8:30 PM
Place: American Fork Library Community Room
64 South 100 East, American Fork, UT
Cost: FREE! Part of The Relationship Wellness Series: free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community.
Details: "Happily Ever After" is great, but what about the 10-year follow-up study? How do we make a great thing last, especially in the face of daunting divorce statistics? Come and learn effective ways of making the marriage you're going into the one you dream it will be.
Upcoming:
Event: Parenting with Love and Logic
Date: Saturday, August 20th, 2003
Time: 7-8:30 PM
Place: American Fork Library Community Room
64 South 100 East, American Fork, UT
Cost: FREE! Part of The Relationship Wellness Series: free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community.
Details: There's a lot of advice out there on how to raise your kids. As family therapists and family life educators we read and keep up on the latest and best parenting information in the field. Love and Logic is our personal favorite. It is practical, pretty easy to learn and really effective! For more info on Love and Logic contact us or check out The Love and Logic Institute.
Event: Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
Date: Saturday, September 23rd, 2003
Time: 7-8:30 PM
Place: American Fork Library Community Room
64 South 100 East, American Fork, UT
Cost: FREE! Part of The Relationship Wellness Series: free monthly workshops designed to strengthen families and enrich our community.
Details: Parenting teens can seem about as easy as nailing Jello-O to the wall! But believe it or not there are some approaches that work better than others—better for both the teen and for the parents! So come and learn some practical approaches to add to your parenting toolkit. For more info on Love and Logic contact us or check out The Love and Logic Institute. |
Free Great Relationships Packet Offer
The Great Relationships Packet includes:
• "The 15-Minute Marriage Make-Over" Worksheet Exercise
• 7 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last"
• "9 Rules for Fair Fighting"
• "12 Steps to Better Marital Communications"
• "Daily Romance: Keeping the Love Alive"
• "Wisdom From the Ages: The Power and Beauty of Committed Love"
To receive your FREE Great Relationships Packet simply email GreatRelationships@bardos.net and state you would like to receive it. What could be easier than that? Well...? Huh...? |
Who's Behind Bardos?
 Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Consultant specializing in creating "greatness in relationships." He is experienced in assisting people learn to improve their marriages, their parenting and themselves through skill development, life coaching, overcoming depression and anxiety, stress and anger management, and addiction recovery. He teaches extensively on a wide range of relationship topics. He is the founder of Bardos Relationship Consulting. You may reach him at 801.787.8014, jonathan@bardos.net or at www.bardos.net. |
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